


Hallelujah

by dumbassbastard13



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, But mostly just hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Other, just sad stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 11:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22968886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumbassbastard13/pseuds/dumbassbastard13
Summary: Maybe there's a God aboveBut all I've ever learned from loveWas how to shoot somebody who outdrew yaAnd it's not a cry that you hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Kudos: 3





	Hallelujah

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is an old fic I wrote in 2016 that I thought I should move from Quotev to here. I’m actually still really proud of it and I hope you all enjoy :).

Matsuda didn't understand why he had to do it. Maybe it was because, out of all the investigators, he was the most personable. Maybe it was because Aizawa couldn't bare to be around the Yagami family after all that had happened. Maybe it was punishment for ever trusting _him_.  
Maybe it was punishment for killing him.  
No matter the reason, there he was, standing at the door of the Yagami household with a heavy heart and the world on his shoulders. He took a deep breath and lifted his hand to knock, but the door opened before he could.  
"Welcome to our home, Mr.Matsuda." Sachiko Yagami ushered him inside. She looked worried and worn-out. Aizawa had called her the day before and told her to expect Matsuda to arrive with news about the Kira case. A small part of her knew exactly what that meant. Matsuda wished he could prove that small part wrong.  
"I hope you don't mind, I made a hot pot for dinner tonight." She showed him to the table and sat him down. "It was cheap and easy and big enough to feed even your appetite." She gave a sad laugh.  
"That sounds amazing, Mrs.Yagami!" Matsuda tried to sound enthusiastic. "Thank you."  
"Oh, it was no trouble. If you'll excuse me, I have to go get Sayu." Once Sachiko had disappeared into another room, Matsuda rammed his head into the dining room table.  
"I can't do this..." He whispered. "They are such nice people. They don't deserve this. No one deserved this..." He felt salt stinging his eyes and bolted upright. He had to be strong, for the chief's family. For _his_ family.  
Matsuda heard wheels on the hard wood floor, followed by footsteps, followed by voices.  
"Mom, I just want to go back to sleep." Sayu whispered.  
_Let_ _her_. He thought.  
"Sayu don't be rude!" The mother hissed under her breath. "He came all the way out here to have dinner with us!"  
_Just let her go back to sleep. This isn't just dinner._  
Mrs. Yagami pushed her daughters wheelchair up to the table. She had changed a lot. She was thin from not eating and her eyes were sunken in. Her hair was longer, unkempt and she was extremely pale. Sayu had obviously not recovered from being kidnapped by the Mafia, and Matsuda doubted she ever would.  
He desperately wanted to leave.  
"Matsuda..?" Sachiko said, carrying in the hot pot. He looked away from Sayu, realizing he had been staring.  
"I'm fine." He said, his voice weak.  
"Uh, good." Sachiko placed the hot pot down. "I was just wondering if you were ready to eat..."  
"Oh... Uh, y-yes." He replied awkwardly. Sachiko sat down across from him and began to serve everyone's dinner.  
It was an incredibly awkward meal. Sachiko at least made an effort to be hospitable but not Sayu. Sayu stared at her bowl, not taking a bite. She glared at Matsuda every so often and refused to speak to anyone. Matsuda did the only thing he knew how to do in awkward situations like this. He made jokes.  
In light of what was going on, this was probably the wrong thing to do, but Matsuda knew that if they didn't laugh they would cry. So he told jokes. Knock knock jokes, puns, light-hearted stories. Anything to make Sachiko smile. He even managed to make Sayu giggle at a pun about cabbages of all things.  
But they all knew it couldn't last.  
"Matsuda?" Mrs.Yagami said about halfway through the meal. Matsuda was still beaming from the last joke he told and was taken off guard by her sudden change in tone.  
"Yes, Mrs.Yagami?"  
"Why are you here? It's not that we don't enjoy your company! It's just..." She trailed off.  
"Oh no!" Matsuda held his hands up in reassurance. "I understand completely! I'm here to..." He trailed off, too.  
He couldn't do it. He couldn't tell them that he was dead. He couldn't tell them that Light Yagami was dead. He couldn't tell them that Light had been...  
"We caught him." He looked down at his lap. "We caught Kira."  
There was a collective gasp from the two women in the room.  
"You did?" Sachiko leapt out of her chair and slammed her hands on the table. "Who was it? Is he dead? Please tell me he's dead!"  
"Yes." Matsuda looked up at the tired mother, a sadness in his eyes. "He's... He's dead."  
"Oh thank god!" Tears fell from Mrs.Yagami's eyes. Her greying hair fell over her red and wrinkled face as she ran over to Sayu and embraced her. Sayu was shaking, tears in her sunken eyes. Sachiko looked up.  
"Who was it?" She asked, weeping.  
It was at that moment that Matsuda decided something. He decided that he would never do anything to hurt these two women ever again.  
"L won't tell me who Kira was." He stood up. "He said that, for the good of the world, it is a secret that will stay between himself and Kira."  
It wasn't all lies. Kira's identidy was to remain a secret and it was by order of L, but Matsuda did know and L was now Near and the whole situation was so messed up that Matsuda didn't know if he could keep the truth from the Yagami's forever. All he could do now was try.  
Sachiko looked relieved.  
"Thank god." She gasped. "It's over now. It's all over and Light can come home now, right?"  
The mans expression did not change.  
"My son can come home now. Right?" She said again, sternly.  
Matsuda's eyes began to sting again and realization spread across Mrs.Yagami's face.  
"Oh my god..." Her knees started to shake and she grabbed onto Sayu's wheelchair to steady herself.  
"A lot of good people lost their lives to Kira." Tears were rolling down Matsuda's face now. "But I want you to know that your husband and your son fought Kira. They fought against Kira until the very end."  
And Matsuda truly believed that Light had fought Kira. He believed with all his heart that light and Kira were completely different, even if they had ended up being the same person in the end.  
Sachiko ran to the man and collapsed into him. She sobbed and sobbed for what seemed like forever with Matsuda awkwardly giving her words of reassurance and Sayu staring blankly at the scene in front of her. After a while the sobbing subsided and Sachiko asked if she could be excused to her room.  
"Of course." Matsuda said.  
The woman made her way to and up the stairs like a wounded animal, stifling her sobs as she went. Matsuda couldn't turn away from the sight. He felt horrible. He felt like was the sole reason this poor sweet women’s world was collapsing around her. Hadn’t he been?  
He stood in place for much longer than he should've, staring at the staircase. Chief Yagami had climbed those stairs. Light had climbed those stairs. Kira had climbed those stairs. He stayed in that place, lost in thought, until he heard the squeaking sound of wheels rolling across the wooded floors.  
Matsuda turned his attention away from the stairs and toward the girl gliding wordlessly across the room, her head towards the ground and face hidden behind curtains of hair. Even though her face was hidden, it was apparent that she was crying.  
"Sayu..." Matsuda felt tears well up in his eyes.  
"I'm going to bed." Sayu replied quietly with a shaky voice.  
"Wait, I-"  
"I said I'm going to bed!" Sayu snapped, looking up at Matsuda with burning eyes.  
There was a moment of silence while the two stared at each other with intensity; Sayu's eyes full of fury, Matsuda's full of guilt. Eventually it became too much for Sayu and her head fell back into the curtains as she let out a heart wrenching sob.  
"Sayu!" Matsuda dropped down to her side and tried his best to comfort her, though he had no idea what he was doing. He decided to remove his coat and place it around her shoulders. Then he kind of just... kneeled there, occasionally patting her back and telling her that everything would be alright. He wasn't sure if that was true.  
They sat like that for a couple minutes while Sayu's cries progressively subsided. Once the weeping had been reduced to heavy breathing and the occasional sniffle, she looked up at the man kneeling next to her and attempted to speak.  
"I just..." She sniffled. "I just don't understand."  
"What?" Matsuda treaded carefully into this shift in conversation.  
"Why was he-" she sniffed again. "Why was Light so invested in this case? Why was dad? They didn't have to leave mom and I on our own like this. Why did- why did they have to die?"  
Matsuda looked down at the floorboards and mentally cursed Aizawa. He didn't want to lie to her anymore. He didn't want to tell her the truth either. He didn't want to be here. He was on the verge of crying when he reminded himself of the promise.  
"They- they both had a... a very strong sense of justice." He lifted his hand to brush Sayu's hair behind her ear. "They were good men and they did their best to protect people until the very end."  
Sayu didn't look completely convinced, but she didn't look furious or hopeless anymore either. She just looked... empty.  
"I'm... I'm tired..." Her voice trailed off and she looked at her feet.  
"Oh-uh-" Matsuda, seeing a perfect opportunity to leave this situation, awkwardly seized his coat and put it on. "I guess I'll leave you to it then. I'm so sorry- for everything. Really I-"  
"No, you don't understand..." Sayu said quietly. "I can't... I can't get into bed without help. I could ask my mom... but she's..."  
"Oh."  
Matsuda moved aside as the young woman pushed herself towards the hallway and gestured for him to follow. The hallway was darker than the rest of the house do to the lack of windows, the only light coming from the parlor, casting shadows across old family photos.  
The photos depicted a happy family; a dad, a mom, a sister, and a brother. Not every picture contained all four though. Some only showed the parents and the son, others only the mom and two children. There were pictures of the children in dress clothes, muddy from summer activities, and in graduation attire. The latest showed the mother and the daughter, smiling while holding a sign reading "We miss you!". One thing could be said about this hallway. It was depressing.  
Matsuda had not realized that Sayu had stopped at a room and nearly tripped over her.  
"Sorry!" He put up his hands in self defense.  
"Open the door." She replied bluntly.  
Matsuda did so and looked around the room (a detectives habit). It was a very organized room. The walls were plastered with pictures of male celebrities and boy bands, though Matsuda wasn't sure if Sayu still obsessed over these things or if she just never got around to taking them down. There were awards on one wall for winning multiple math tournaments and a simple desk with a CD player on it. Then there was the bed, the one disheveled thing in the room.  
"You wanna let me in my room?" Sayu said angrily, pulling Matsuda away from his examination.  
"Uh-yeah." He awkwardly shuffled to the side. "Sorry."  
She rolled in without so much as glancing at the man. He followed behind, keeping a safe distance, just in case. Sayu pushed herself toward her bed and began to try to lift herself into it. Matsuda walked up next to her.  
"Here, let me help you-"  
"No! I can do this part!" She pushed him away and sat herself on the bed in a haphazard position.  
"Now I need your help."  
Matsuda perked up.  
"Of course! What do I need to do?"  
Matsuda did everything Sayu instructed him to, helping her position her legs and even tucking her in. He knew that Sayu was completely capable of doing this on her own but he thought that it was the least he could do. He luckily avoided having to help her change clothes because she had worn her pajamas to dinner.  
Is this... all she does now? He thought. Sleep?  
Matsuda decided to test his new theory, but he would need to approach the topic with great care and tact.  
"You... Uh... Sure do like sleeping, huh?" He scratched the back of his neck and quickly realized he had made a classic Matsuda mistake. A light blush played across his face in embarrassment as he waited for the woman's reply.  
"I don't sleep much." Sayu said quietly, her back turned to the man. "I mostly just... lay here. Stare at the wall."  
"Oh... What don't you... sleep?"  
"I just can't." Sayu replied sternly, burying her face in the blankets.  
Matsuda could relate to this girls troubles on some level. After the hunt for Kira ended, his sleep schedule and eating habits were totally out of whack. They still were to some extent, seeing as the Kira case didn't happen that long ago, but they had never gotten as bad as Sayu's. Matsuda felt horrible but then had an epiphany.  
"Well, when I was younger and couldn't sleep, my mom would put on some music!" Matsuda walked over to the CD player on the desk and began searching though the discs. He didn't want to tell her that he still had to listen to music to go to sleep. "It worked every time and I was pretty rowdy so that's saying something! I would never- oh!" He lifted up a CD in triumph. He wasn't sure who it was by, but he remembered the face on the disc from one of Sayu's posters. He popped open the machine and placed the CD inside. Soon the room was filled with soft music.  
"See? Didn't I tell you? I'm feeling better alread-..." Matsuda stopped rambling and listened to the song. "This is actually... kind of sad..."  
The song was in English, not Japanease, so Matsuda had a hard time keeping up with the lyrics. What he did understand though, mixed with the heart wrenching vocals of the man singing almost made his knees buckle beneath him.  
I heard there was a sacred chord...  
That David played and it pleased the lord...  
It was so deep, so bittersweet, it made his heart swell.  
But you don't really care for music, do you?  
He realized that Sayu was shaking with sobs and he rushed to turn it off.  
"I'm so sorry, I-"  
"Wait!" Sayu said between tears. Matsuda paused. "Don't.. turn it... off."  
"But it's hurting you..." He countered, confused.  
"I-I know." She replied, now having more control over her crying. "I need to hurt right now, I think."  
Matsuda stepped away from the CD player and stared at the lump on the bed with confusion and sadness.  
"You can leave now." Sayu's muffled voice came from the lump. "Or you can stay here if you like. There's a nice couch in the living room and my mom will need help in the morning. Either way, I guess I'm asking if I can be alone."  
"Oh, of course." Matsuda blushed and walked quickly towards the door. He looked back down at Sayu.  
"I'm sorry." He waited for a reply. There wasn't one. "Goodnight."  
He turned of the lights, walked out the door, and began to close it behind him when he heard a weak voice mutter something inside.  
"What?" He replied.  
"I said thank you, you idiot." Sayu yelled into her pillows.  
Matsuda smiled for probably the first time since dinner.  
"You're welcome."  
He closed the door behind him but he could still hear the muffled sound of a pained man singing. The song followed him down the sad hallway as Matsuda made his way to the living room couch.


End file.
